Down with your ship!
by Beckydaspatz
Summary: Spike and Buffy discuss pairings, hilarity ensues!


**A.N.: So...I'm back! Set in an AU universe where Spike and Buffy have seen and are arguing about different pairings. He is still a vampire, she is still The Slayer, they are together. Feel free to fill in the blanks, not canon with comics. Not meant to annoy or offend anyone, this is purely for entertainment. Hope you guys like! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own them**

Spike was bored. And as per usual when he was bored he found himself doing one of two things: watching television, which was not an option because of the large ax sticking out of it, or surfing the web. He mentally made note to stop having demon fights that ended up back at his residence, he was getting sick and tired of replacing his tele. He plopped into the computer chair, fingers flitting across the keyboard as he wracked his mind for something interesting to search for.

"Ah ha." he murmured, typing in Spike and Buffy. He did it only for shits and giggles, but as pages and pages of results appeared he breathed. "Bloody Hell." He started as a slender arm draped across his shoulders, blonde hair tickling the nape of his neck.

"Bloody hell what?" she asked coupled with a yawn as she leaned into the crook of his neck. He reached up to kiss her cheek gently.

"Sorry love, didn't mean to wake you up," he mumbled as she shrugged in response.

"No worries. I was just wondering why I woke up dry humping a pillow that's all."

He smirked at her comment, the mental picture drawing a chuckle from his lips. "Couldn't sleep. Thought I'd try to entertain myself till you woke up."

"Well I'm up now," she paused, leaning in to peer at the screen. "Whatcha lookin at?"

"I uh..." he stuttered, trying to cover the screen as Buffys' perplexed voice called out "What in the world is Spuffy?"

Her eyebrows knit together in confusion as he followed her gaze to the screen muttering "Spuffy? Spike and Buffy..." he broke off as she scoffed lightly.

"Did you really just google us?" she asked, incredulously.

"Yeah I did. And we...we are Spuffy. How bloody lazy do people have to be? They can't just say Spike and Buffy?"

"I kinda think it's cute."she said, ruffling his hair affectionately.

"Well yeah you would, you get most of the bloody name...I get Sp. Do you know what words start with sp? Spit, spawn, spoil, nothing good comes from that!"

she nuzzled his cheek. "You forget special, spirited and oh! Sparkly!" his eyes shot daggers at her last comment.

"We are not going there again lamb." he growled. "Point is you get five letters and I get two, what type of crap is that?"

"Well at least you get the first two letters, men leading and all that."

"Now your just trying to placate me." he replied.

"But look!" she cried, jabbing a finger at the screen, trying to divert his attention. "They have cool names, like this one. Come on, you know you want to dance. It's so us."

It worked as Spike smiled at her. "Dance with you forever sweetheart."

she smiled warmly, being pulled into his arms before he yelped out. "Oh come on!"

"What?" her eyes darted from Spike's appalled face to the screen as her vampire yelled.

"BANGEL? His whole bleeding name is in that...the whole fucking name!"

"Honey," she started, patting his arm. "It's just make believe. Don't get so worked up."

"And look, there are thousands of pages! Thousands! People wish you were with the great poof!" he crossed his arms across his chest, huffing.

"But I'm not, I'm with you." she nibbled on his ear and he wanted to argue with her, but the way her tongue was tracing that spot behind his ear, and the hand that was raking nails across his torso.

"Fuffy!" she bellowed, pulling back and shocking Spike out of his daze. Her hand traveled to the mouse clicking on the link, blush immediately darkening her cheeks as she stared at the pictures that littering the screen. "How did they know!" she exclaimed as Spike leered at her. "I mean that would never happen," she said, turning away from him.

"Well that's interesting innit?" he questioned, changing the subject in the search engine.

"What are you looking at now?" she inquired, turning back from him.

"I put in Buffy pairings, the results are in pet..." he broke off as she placed herself on his knee.

"Fuck me," she breathed as Spike chuckled.

"According to these websites babe, everybody is,"

"Well some of those are ridiculous! Like me and Giles, eww! There was that one time with the Band Candy, but he was all smooth and dangerous, and pretty forceful," she broke off.

"You and the Watcher got wriggly? I knew it!"

"Ew Spike! It was a kiss, one kiss, and maybe some groping, it's been long time and, what?" she questioned.

"What about you and the boy?"

"Xander? We haven't done anything, at all, ever."

"This site says differently."

"He's like a brother. And these people are crazy, they also think I should be with Willow, and Anya and OH MY GOD!" she roared, shoving Spike out of the seat. "Snyder! Me and that horrible weasel!He was so mean, and boring and short!" she covered her mouth with a moan. "I think I'm gonna be sick."

"Well, well," Spike said from the floor. "Seems everyone is getting a piece of you Slayer."

She whirled on him. "Let's see whose getting a piece of you then Spike." her fingers flew across the keyboards, pounding in Spike pairings. She let out a guffaw as the top heading popped up.

"What is it?" he asked, pushing up on his elbows.

She swung the laptop to face him, the SPANGEL blaring from the screen.

"Oi! That's not how that happened, there were chains, not candles," he paused, catching the baffled stare from Buffy. "Perverts! All of them, wishful thinking, madness it is!" he jumped to his feet. "Me and Peaches can barely even stand to be in a room together, let alone _being _together."

Buffy shook her head to rid it of the delicious images that were swimming in it. "Well let's see who else people like you with...Me, that's obvious, Dru, Willow, Tara, has no one been paying attention that Will and Tara were lesbians."

"Are you blind Slayer? Glenda and Red wanted me BAD." he retorted, tongue curling around his teeth.

"Right, they just so happened to approach you about a threesome?" she replied sarcastically.

"Well no, but on the nights where you had managed to really piss me off, I needed something to masturbate to."

"Spike, that's disgusting."

"You asked."

"Okay lets see who else you have been paired with...Who's Fred?"

Spikes' eyes softened immediately, the swagger gone from his voice as he replied. "Nice bird."

Buffy touched his shoulder, trying to give him comfort.

"We weren't like that, me and Fred. She was sweet, innocent, good. We might have, but then Wes...we weren't like that."

"Fred is," she paused

"The one I told you about, the one that..." his voice choked as she found his hand, took it in hers.

"I'm sorry Spike."

He shrugged. "It's been a long time, who else is there?" he asked, changing the subject.

"Um...Illryia? Who's Illryia?"

"Oh Blue! You met her, tall, blue, superiority complex. She called you miniscule blond warrior and said she could quote crush you under the heel of her hand with little difficulty."

Buffy eyes narrowed. "Oh right, the blue bitch."

"Well pet, she was hoping me and her were going to have a go, and then you show up and can't blame her for bad feelings."

"She told me I was an inadequate mate! And she said I was oleaginous, which I am pretty sure is fat!"

He chuckled,kissing her hand. "She just takes some getting used to is all."

"Whatever, who else?" she turned back to the screen, barely having enough time to read the heading before she burst into laughter.

"What? What is it?"

"You and...and..." she couldn't get it out, instead collapsing into a heap of giggles.

"What? Me and...the whelp!" he thundered, closing the window in a hurry. "The is no way in hell, not LA hell, not in a world with only me and him. We hate each other. Loathe is a better word."

Buffy stifled her laughter looking up at him "Wasn't it you honey that said the line between hate and love is a blurry one. And I've seen the way his eye is all over you, and the way you look at him."

Spike glared down at her, suddenly not bored, but very, very annoyed, and Buffy, well she was looking downright appetizing with her silk robe hanging off her shoulder, lacy nightie barely covering her bits.

"Careful now honey, I'm not Xander you know." she teased. With a growl he heaved her over his shoulder and raced back to the bedroom, giving Spuffy fans something to be grateful for.

**A.W.: This was the most fun I have ever had writing a story. Oh and I don't own Come on, you know you want to dance, but all Spuffy fans should check it out. Good stuff :) Hope whoever read this likes it. Thanks!**


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